I smashed my car up a looooong time ago. Then more shit happened, which led to my not getting the damage fixed ('twas a lot of money). Time passes, I bear the humiliation of driving an eyesore. I finally get pulled over by a cop (after twice for speeding... another story) who decided I was the worst person ever to drive a car. I have been paddling around in a low depth for some time, feigning pride and strength. This law enforcement officer had me welling up, describing my transgressions like some omnipotent father, berating me for all the dead children in the grill on the front of my car (please rest assured, there were no dead children... I'm being dramatic. It's a blog).
Ironically, (am I using that right? I'm too tired to be 100% sure) I was about to do a marathon car shop this very weekend. So, being forced to park the car and suffer a fine for being Hitler of the Roads was a bitter medicine. Defeated, and an emotional mark, thanks to the denouement of a trial separation leading to a complete break of a pivotal 12 year relationship, I handed my power over to my amazing and loving parents, who found me an affordable used car (I am no car guy.. new, used... don't give a flying etc) which will be delivered to me next week.
I chose this. Fully and completely. I could have fixed the car, or looked into replacing it ages ago. Procrastination is 9/10ths of my law, apparently. Meandering Avoider is my official title. It'll be on my business card. I took the long way around, and it was stupid, and hard, and made me bruised and humiliated, but, fuck it. I chose it. This is my method. I have to push the tiniest boundary just to see how long it takes until it breaks. I'm a late bloomer for this precise reason, I think. I started painting after almost 15 years, just to do it. Strangers are making comments. This is why I'm doing it.
All of this is why I'm recording music. I know I can do it honestly, and true to my bones. You will react to it, either good or bad. That's exciting. My smashed up car is just an aspect of my stupidly slow way of coming at life.